I have watched many movies in my lifetime. I have become emotional while watching movies, but today was different.
On this rainy Saturday after dealing with an excruciating migraine for twelve plus hours, I slowly came back to some normalcy. As the raindrops fell, I picked up the remote flipping through channels trying to find something that did not cause throbbing in my head.
Started out on one channel, but soon landed on a movie on Lifetime television. It was only a few moments left before the next film began. The title caught my eye. Pastor Brown.
The storyline began with Pastor Brown preaching to the congregation in a scene set in a church in Atlanta, Georgia. As Pastor Brown was preaching, he started holding his hands as if he were having a stroke. His daughter looked up and realized something was happening, and within moments Pastor Brown fainted.
In the next scene, you learn that he, in fact, had a heart attack. A telephone call was made to his daughter Jessica who walked away from her church life into a life of her own of pole dancing and living a life that one would consider risqué. She is asked to come home to be with her father and family after being away for ten plus years. She has a teenage son who had been raised by her older sister and her father, Pastor Brown.
Pastor Brown soon dies, but after sharing with the leadership of the church that he desires his daughter Jessica who had left years ago to succeed him.
Like with any situation there was resistance with Jessica fulling the seat of her father. She was the least likely person based on her lifestyle to serve in the pastorate. I must share that although I don’t live a life of Jessica this movie messed with me from the beginning to the end. At certain points of the movie, I cried uncontrollably. I could not help but ask God, “What do you want me to see?” With tears flowing down my face I knew something was happening on the inside of me. My spirit was changing. To some degree, it was transforming me.
Jessica’s son who at first had nothing to do with her began to change, and as his heart opened, he started defending her by asking people to give her a chance. Her sister started to see the good in her. As she was to go before the congregation with the current associate pastor for the congregation to vote on the next pastor, she was confronted with her past. Pastor Avery, the associated pastor, had information that could destroy her bid as pastor. However, God was with her. God touched Pastor Avery, to be honest, and not share the news of her past with the congregation.
The Sunday of the vote Jessica’s sister stood to share a few words. She asked for forgiveness and committed to protecting her sister.
Jessica then stood to share her words. She was transparent. She was vulnerable. She told the story of an ordained preacher, and seminary degree woman turned stripper was called back to fulfill her destiny. As she tells her story, she realizes that God had so much more for her return home. It was to mend fences and reconcile to her son, and sister. As she is sharing her story, she recalls her father Pastor Brown telling her to find her shoes. She connected finding her shoes with living out her faith in God.
I could not figure out why I had taken this fictional movie to heart until the last five minutes of the movie. It had everything to do with living out my purpose based on who God has called me to be, and not what others think I should be and do. My tears were tears of release from the bondage that had held me back over the last several years. I had been walking around hopelessly confused, and at times lying to myself of who I needed to be, and not who God chose me to be.
A fictional movie spoke to me in a way that no one and nothing has ever spoken to me before. God had tried many times to show me who I am and at the most profound place of my core, and yet I have ignored Him. My husband has spoken into my life so many times to the point that I have pushed myself to receive it, but I realized today I had never believed it. Prayer warriors have prayed me through some of my darkest hours, and yet I still found a way to slip back into that place where I wondered if what I have been called to do could, in fact, be fulfilled by me.
My life is not considered a straight arrow. On a political scale I find myself vacillating between moderate and progressive, and when I speak of it publicly my evangelical friends look at me sideways as if I have lost my way. There are times I will allow people to box me in, but today I have ripped the box into pieces.
I have multiple gifts. I have a prayer calling on my life. I have a teaching gift on my life. I have a writing gift on my life. I am a visionary. The list goes on and on. Today I realized that is why I have been confused. I have to some degree tormented myself wondering what one thing I am to do. Today, I am free. God has never called me to one thing. He has gifted me in many areas and now I must trust Him as things unfold. I am a writer, author, publisher, speaker, businesswoman, wife, and mother. I am an encourager, a motivator, a friend, and a daughter. I am a child of the Most High God. I am the head and not the tail. I am bold. I am confident. I am called to fulfill the shoes God has ordained for me.
No longer will I try to fit in an all size fit all shoe. I will open my life to the multiple shoes designed especially for me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Today, I have been freed from the chains that have held me back from my full potential. Today, I live my life based on what God has called me.
What about you? Will you find your shoes?
I hope that I will find my shoes soon. I say this because I am not sure where my shoes are at this time. This is a question I need to ask God’s directions and pay close attention to what He says.
Mary, I will join you in prayer as you find your shoes. This I know…you will find them. Trust God!
I love watching the movie. I too cried from beginning to end in the movie. I am asking myself the same question Pastor Brown asked his daughter Jessica. I am still trying to find my purpose. Please keep me in your prayers. As Jessica finishes speaking to the congregation a song is played “Find Your Shoes” I tried to read the critics on the end of the movie to find out who is singing the song “Find Your Shoes. But it goes by so fast. Please share if you know.
Thank You Gail for the authenticity of what reality looks like when Holy Spirit enters into our lives and we are willing to allow His truth to come forward, practically, changing us. Freeing us to put on our own “shoes”.
Julia, the Holy Spirit entered in today and literally broke any lasting chain that was trying to hold me down. I immediately grabbed my laptop and began typing away. I knew the title for this post immediately. My eyes filled with tears as I typed out this post. I kept hearing, “You’re being too vulnerable,” but I didn’t care. I just needed to share my story trusting that someone will read this post and be freed. Thank you for joining the conversation. I have a new life with my own shoes!
Gail is a transformational writer. Her ability to share her experiences are life changing and her words challenge us to focus on our purpose.
Zelda, thank you for joining the conversation. The Pastor Brown movie did something within me that I had to share from a vulnerable position. God is still moving in the lives of His children. For whatever reason He used me today to share this post.
There are many types of shoes worn for all our various roles in life. The most important thing for us all to remember is no matter what shoes we’re wearing, when we find them, we must remain our authentic self. A trick of the enemy is limitations. We have often heard, to “do one thing and do it well” or “if your the janitor be the best janitor you can be.” We do want to be our best at whatever we do, but we must not allow that thinking to pigeon hole us to believe it is just one thing. Who said we can or should do just one thing? God wants us to live a life and to have abundance, I believe for many of us that includes our talents. Sister Gail, thank you for your post, your journey, and speaking from the heart. What comes from the heart reaches the hearts of others. I’m glad the Holy Spirit is present even while watching lifetime.
Anita, I’m afraid so many people are seeking that one thing when God has so much more. I’m with you. We are to live in the abundance of Christ. Today I wondered how many of us have believed the lie that we are to only do one thing. How many people are frustrated because they have been blessed with many gifts, but only trying to operate in one? I pray that people will be free to live their life worthy of the call Jesus bestowed upon them.
I am cheering you on from my chair here: “…but today I have ripped the box into pieces.” YES YES YES! Mighty is the power that delivers us from the bondage of being boxed in. Get it, sister! I love the analogy of the shoes. I have tons of them and need to “spring clean,” if you will. Thank you for such an inspiring post. Sending love and glory!
Carolina, thank you for cheering me on! I had never seen this movie until today. I seldom watch Lifetime, but today I was guided to this place. I believe God was in this from the beginning. I was flipping through the channels and landed on Lifetime a few moments before the movie starting. From the very beginning I was in tears. It was life altering. Thank you for joining the conversation.
This movie and what you’ve described is a beautiful translation of what I believe women and the majority of people wrestle with.
I was a huge people please as a child and young adult. I wanted to make my family happy- wanted to be the “prize child”. In trying to be this person, I suffered from severe anxiety and stress. It wasn’t until not graduating on time, not working the job of my dreams, struggling financially, mentally and spiritually that I realized that I couldn’t do this anymore.
Through coaching and a lot of prayer I’ve finally found who God is calling me to be.
I am a daughter, friend, sister, auntie, care taker, teacher, writer, counselor and wife BUT I too am God’s child. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! He’s called me to do multiple things that I’m finally stepping into those roles. How blessed have I been by listening and following His will. It’s trying at times, but so much more rewarding.
So grateful that you are owning and living out your calling. Grateful that this movie spoke so deeply to you. I’ve been similarly touched from a few movies–My Life (Michael Keaton) back when I was in high school, and Frozen just a few years ago. It’s amazing how these stories can grab our souls with such power and shake us (in a good way). Praying for your complete unfurling and empowerment, Gail.
I love watching the movie. I too cried from beginning to end in the movie. I am asking myself the same question Pastor Brown asked his daughter Jessica. I am still trying to find my purpose. Please keep me in your prayers. As Jessica finishes speaking to the congregation a song is played “Find Your Shoes” I tried to read the critics on the end of the movie to find out who is singing the song “Find Your Shoes. But it goes by so fast. Please share if you know.